Similar intimacy, familiar sense of security

First of all, the thing called "type" does exist. We often talk about the existence of "ideal type". When choosing a partner, people have natural or acquired preferences for certain characteristics, which is normal. Most of our choices are in line with the ideal type. Although people of this type may not be really suitable, this attraction will involuntarily make us inclined.

It’s just that this tendency can sometimes cause repeated harm. If we are easily attracted to a certain type of person, it may be that they have the psychological characteristics of some important figures in our growth (such as parents). The subconscious mind may expect that through this contact with a new but familiar person, deep emotional interaction of happiness or pain can be carried out, so as to heal past traumas, make up for past regrets, meet unfulfilled needs, and put an end to it. However, indulging in this familiarity usually results in the opposite of what we want: the old scars are torn open again, and I don’t seem to be worthy of being loved. After all, if we have pain inside, it is easier to like those who make us more painful.

Just as anxious people are always more likely to be attracted to avoidant people, people who are afraid of no response and lack a sense of security are more likely to put themselves in a state of being abandoned and ignored. People who lack love are more likely to be sucked dry of all their love by self-centered people/extremely narcissistic people, and get a very familiar experience - love with pain, using pain to confirm their existence. Chizuko Ueno once mentioned that "calling oneself a victim is not a sign of weakness, but a proof of strength." If this kind of hurt and pain is not faced and acknowledged, then the hurt in the name of love will never be exposed.

Therefore, it is easy for us to identify trauma as love. They all seem to be very intense emotions, bringing individuals similar physiological experiences, or this familiar feeling is like returning home. This kind of "intensity" is very common in movies and TV dramas. Love is always full of countless bloody twists and turns. The protagonists have to overcome countless difficulties. They are either in misunderstanding or on the way to misunderstanding. Sometimes I wonder, isn't this kind of love that breaks the heart and tramples on dignity painful?

Still have doubts about this? You can click below to consult a private chat teacher